This is a post that I have avoided writing for a long time. 2015 started out amazing! Right after the new year, we found out we were pregnant with baby #2! When we got married, we thought we would have 3 kids back to back. When we had Bryson that changed. We both enjoyed our time just the 3 of us and it was hard to imagine adding another child to our family because it was perfect just the way it was. Last year Bryson started asking for a sibling. We talked about it and decided it was the right time to try for baby #2. It took us a few months to get pregnant (which was frustrating to me because we got pregnant the first month we tried with Bryson), so we were so excited to finally get a positive pregnancy test! Bryson was the first person I told and he told Robert. We debated on telling our friends and family until after our first doctor appointment but the news was too good to keep a secret. We only told our immediately family and the few close friends that we were able to see in person. We decided to wait and announce it to everybody else after we found out that everything was ok. Bryson was convinced that there were 2 babies, a boy and a girl. If you asked him if he was having a baby he would say a brother and a sister without hesitation. We had our first appointment set up for Monday February 9. It would be for an ultrasound. We were so excited for this appointment. On Superbowl Sunday, we shared the news with a few other friends at a Superbowl party. I was feeling very good and we had decided to not keep it a secret anymore. I left the party a little early so that me and Bryson could get in the bed for school the next day. After I put Bryson to bed and started getting ready for bed, it happened. I noticed some light brown spotting. I got scared and texted Robert to come home. I got straight in the bed and didn't move thinking that maybe I just overdid it that day. I'm a "Googler" so of course I got on Google and looked at all the possibilities. Some good, some bad. I've even had some friends that had these types of problems during pregnancy and everything was fine. I tried not to stress but I didn't sleep at all that night. When the alarm went off, I decided to text my boss and tell her what was going on and that I would not be at work. I then texted my mom and told her so she could come with me to the doctor. We had decided that there wasn't much Robert could do and that he should go on to work just in case we needed him to save his vacation days. I took another pregnancy test before leaving hoping it would make me feel better. It was still positive and so was the one the doctor did. I felt a little better. Then we went to get an ultrasound. There was no baby only an empty sac measuring 5 weeks. This didn't really give us any answers. Since I was only 7 weeks, sometimes it's too early to see anything on ultrasound.The baby could be there but is just too small to see. The doctor told me to go home and rest and we made another appointment for Wednesday to do another ultrasound and see how things were going. I didn't have a good feeling about it. I was fine all day but that night I broke down. I asked Robert to stay home on Tuesday because I knew if it was going to happen that Tuesday would be the day and I didn't want to be alone. We all stayed home together and enjoyed the day as a family. A little before lunch I felt some light cramping and thought it was happening. I took 2 Ibuprofen hoping I would feel better and I did. As the afternoon went on, the bleeding got lighter and I was feeling better. Maybe things would be OK. A little after 5, Robert and Bryson went to get dinner. I was home alone. I had called my sister in law Martha because she had been through this before and I knew she would be a good person to talk to. While on the phone with her it happened. I lost our baby. I was in shock. Robert was supposed to be there. I wasn't supposed to be home alone when it happened. I'm so thankful that I was at least on the phone with Martha so I wasn't completely alone, but I was in such shock. Then Robert came home and we cried together. This was the hardest thing I had ever been through. How do you get so attached to somebody you have never met? Was I silly to feel this way? Then came the question of how to tell Bryson. Would he understand? What would he say? Just when I thought I had pulled myself together, it happened again. Bryson had said from the beginning that there were 2 babies, a boy and girl, and we think he was right. Why was this happening to us? I have never been so heartbroken. I went to work for a half a day the next day before my doctor appointment. Bryson did not come this time. Only me and Robert. We had another ultrasound that confirmed what we already knew. There was nothing there. We had lost our babies. Since I was healthy, I was told to wait a few days and take another pregnancy test. If it was negative that was good, if not, I would need to come in and have a D&C. Thankfully it was negative so I didn't have to go through that. We were told to wait a cycle and try again. I was in a very bad place. I was happy on the outside but crying on the inside. I ate a lot and gained more weight then I would like to admit. I knew the only way to bounce out of this was for us to get pregnant again. That month went by so slow. I thought I would feel better as the days went on but I didn't. What made it worse was the fact that I work with children. Everyday I went to work, I saw babies. It was like torture. Or I would see somebody pregnant or hear that somebody became pregnant and my heart would sink. Was that our only chance?
Finally that month was over. Then came the waiting game. I took a test on the first possible day I could and to my surprise it was positive! I couldn't believe it! I was nervous, excited, scared, happy all at the same time. Could I go through that again? All we could do was pray. We tried our hardest to not tell our family but we finally decided to just tell them because we knew we would need their support if it happened again. I asked my doctor if I could come in to get blood work to make sure everything was OK since it was too early for an ultrasound. She agreed. When you get your hcg levels checked, you want the number to double in 48 hours. If it doesn't, it usually means the pregnancy is not viable. After the first two tests, my numbers had not doubled. This was not the news we wanted to hear. Of course the news came on a Friday so I had to wait through the weekend before I could get another appointment. I went in again and had to wait another 2 days for the results. The number was still not doubling. There was really nothing more we could do for another week and half while we waited for an ultrasound. If you get an ultrasound too early, you may not get the right results. So all we could do was wait. That was the slowest week and half of my life. Finally the day came. At first look there was nothing there. My heart sank. The ultrasound tech told me to go empty my bladder so I did, fighting back tears the whole time. When I came back she tried again. This time it was almost immediately we saw a baby and his heartbeat! I lost it! I have never been so happy in my life! Everything was OK! Our precious miracle was there! We were still very cautious with announcing the news because it was still so early. We did share the news with our immediate family and close friends. Once I was out of the first trimester, we made it official and told everybody.
We never told Bryson what happened to the other pregnancy. Thankfully he is young enough to not have much of a concept of time so he thinks I have just been pregnant for a really long time. We will tell him one day when he's older and can understand. I do think it's important that he knows he has other siblings not on this Earth. Not a day goes by that I don't think about what might have been. But for now, we are just so excited and anxiously awaiting the arrival of our beautiful rainbow baby.
